Dysfunctionality

Occasionally i like to poison myself.  Not with arsenic or mercury, nothing that strong; i'm talking about alcohol, tobacco smoke, even sometimes with extremely fatty foods.  Anything is a poison if you partake too much.

I don't know if anyone else feels this way.  I've never discussed it before, besides in my own head.

The reason behind it is quite simple: i like feeling mortal.  It's nice, at least to me, to be reminded that no, you are not going to live forever; this is not a permanent state; your consciousness will eventually leave this body.  It reminds me to make the most of my time.  Rather than play that video game or watch that anime, i should record my thoughts or help something grow.  I suppose getting sick could remind me of that as well.  Too bad that doesn't happen very often - but more on that later.

Do you think anyone else needs a reminder of such a thing?  You see, my problem is that sometimes my mind gets so high on joy and sorrow that i forget that there's more to life than just emotions and feelings.  I guess that's also where my eating disorder comes from.

I wouldn't call myself an anorexic.  What i do is i forget to eat.

This is an average thought process for my mind relating to food.
1: My mind registers that my stomach wants something.
2: My mind tells me that i'm hungry.
3: I go through a series of questions to determine if it's worth eating.
~Are you enjoying what you are doing?  If no, proceed
~Are you lying down?  If no, proceed
~Can you think of anything particular that you would like to eat?  If yes, proceed
~Do you have access to what you want to eat?  If yes, proceed
~Has it been more than 6 hours since you last ate?  If yes, proceed
~Is you weight under 125 again?  If yes, then go get what you want to eat.
This is assuming i can get through all of the questions without getting distracted by something.

It just never matters enough to feed my body unless i know that it actually needs it.  This is one of the many reasons for why i can never seem to relate to the average human.

For instance, i never get headaches.  Not once have i ever gotten one.  So, when someone says 'holy Toledo my head's KILLING me!' i never know what to say to them.  For all i know, headaches actually cause continual orgasms and they've run out of semen and/or vaginal secretions and their body is desperately  attempting to pump something, anything out of their nether regions and their head is killing them via blood loss or whatever (please note that if you DO get orgasms from headaches, this was in no way intended to make fun of you).

Another issue that makes me uncomfortable around people: their fascination with celebrities.  What's that?  Kim Kardashian recently adopted a convicted serial rapist and is fighting with the Supreme Court to get him busted out of jail so she can break the curse some hotline psychic placed on her?  How FASCINATING.  It's difficult enough for me to relate to people standing directly in front of me, let alone when they live in a palace constructed from unicorn horns and broken spirits of the damned working-class who can't afford a decent pair of shoes but still pay 20 dollars a week to read about someone who doesn't even know, or care, that they exist.

It might seem like i think i'm better than those people.  I almost think so, but no.  To me, the fact that they can let themselves care about things so trivial and meaningless is a sign that they're sane.  I envy them in some ways.  Especially the ones who have multiple orgasms when they get headaches.